this was the second time in the past two weeks that i’ve cried because of marching band. tammy sped up during my solo in one of the run-throughs. i got mad at myself and just started pounding the timpani heads so hard i thought i would break them. i don’t understand it. something i love so much shouldn’t make me feel so terrible. i think maybe i am trying too hard; putting too much pressure on myself. i want the band to kick ass but i can’t do it alone. jeremy talked to me after practice. he said that i shouldn’t feel bad because it looked to him like i was giving it all i had [did i mention he's gotten a LOT better lately?]. i never cry .. so when i cry, i cry. like any little thing will make me start up again. and that about did it. i wasn’t sure whether to feel good because jeremy said i was really trying or to feel bad because i still messed up. and then i started crying again when sean asked me what happened. that made me feel worse. i feel bad when i go whining to him, and i feel so weak letting him see me cry. i have his sweatshirt but it’s not making anything better.
while i’m in this horrible mood, maybe i should mention another thing i’m mad about. my english grade. my freaking english grade. i’m getting barely an 84% on my progress report. in ENGLISH!!!! omg. *bursts into tears* i cannot let my grades go down the hole i cannot let my grades go down the hole i cannot let my grades go down the hole.
