it was a long walk home from the breslin center tonight. the cold air was good for clearing my head. my feet were on autopilot, like they were during the haltime show. one foot. in front of. the other. yes, walking back to hubbard alone at ten o’clock at night probably wasn’t the best idea, but i needed to be by myself. i could’ve/should’ve walked with brian, but he had to take his e flat trumpet back to the music building. it’s not that i didn’t want to wait for him; it’s more that he’s so cute and i’m so lonely and part me of me just said don’t do it.
the truth is, i did not make friends here as quickly as i had hoped to. i feel like i am at this awkward stage with everyone. i haven’t gotten to the point where i can just ask someone if they want to hang out or meet me for lunch somewhere. i hate eating in the cafeteria alone. so many nights i have just wanted to chill, maybe watch a movie or sit around doing next to nothing. there is no one here for me to do that with. why is this so hard?
i acknowledge that i am having a breakdown. i know that i am. it’s one of those points in life where everything is going so fast and i’m trying too hard to take it all in. i misjudged my classload and took on more than i could handle. all of my life i’ve been told that i’m smart, so when i get here and i struggle, i don’t know what to do. it’s not like i DON’T study. i have been to one party since i arrived at michigan state, and the jello shots ended early when i had to walk nathaniel home.
i have also never been away from someone i care about so much. not this kind of away. it’s a new kind of heartache, and i wonder, should this be making my heart hurt? i can’t decide which is worse: wanting something i can’t have or having something … and yet … not really having anything at all. what do i have to show for this? a frame on the wall and a phrase scrawled on the bathroom tile.
mike [rodriguez] reminds me so much of [my] mike. i told him this, and he said, “why, does your boyfriend wear sequined bras?”
