i love and hate home simultaneously. i love seeing my family but i hate how dad is never around. i love seeing michael and at the same time i hate seeing him because now i’ve been reminded of how wonderful he is and i miss him even more. i am also a little sad that i won’t get to see linden perform at states next weekend and that yesterday was the last time i’ll see mike conduct. everyone is growing up. so many things are different. i looked through my scrapbook at home today and a lot of the pictures just made my heart hurt. shelter[ed] fell apart, sean and i don’t speak, and even matt and i aren’t really friends anymore. [truthfully, i think i'm just having a hard time adjusting to college. i feel like all i've done since i got here is fail: i have lost friends without making new ones, marching band rehearsals consist of marking time on the sideline (i have not won a SINGLE challenge), i eat most of my meals alone, i actually had to DROP a class, and i no longer have a sparkling four point oh. maybe this is my wakeup call (?).]
the concert tonight was great. hot rod circuit was wonderful, as usual. i went crowdsurfing for the second time in my life (thanks to nathaniel). but it was also weird. matt was only one person away from me, yet he was so far. the three of us got separated, and it reminded me of how i feel so often lately – alone.
what a weird weekend. i am in such a strange mood now.
anyone loved can be lost.
{ 9 comments… read them below or add one }
isn’t it funny how you can completely adore going home and hate it at the same time? i feel exactly the same way. i hate how linden drags you right back to where you started- any ground gained is lost as soon as you sleep in your own bed, use your own bathroom or hang out with family you never thought you’d miss. i’d say everyone goes through this, though. also, if you ever want to hang out with us, kelly and i were just saying the other day that we wish we could see you more often, and i’m always up for a meal partner.
oh kristen. i feel this more than you’ll ever know. i feel like i’m watching all my friends spin away from me. i’m standing in the middle and we’re all leading our separate lives. our lives seemed to have ceased to cross paths.
i never see nathaniel anymore. i never see you anymore.
however, none of us are failures. we made it into a big ten university, right? we graduated from high school. none of us died in a car crash because we were driving while drunk. none of us committed suicide.
i take that back. i failed at calculus, and you, too, will fail someday. but you know what? it feels good to fail. it feels good to find your limit. i don’t mean that in a vindictive way. but no one can be perfect at everything. you just reach that point where you can go no further. however, it isn’t a true failure because you tried.
i hate looking at my scrapbooks. i hate it. i used to love those things, and now they just drag me back to places in the past that i don’t want to revisit.
“memory is a motherfucker.” – bill ayers.
YEAH! BIG TEN FOOTBALL! lol.
I envy you guys, but at the same time I am happier here. Class is super easy because people here are usually retarded, lol. I feel like I’m being challenged enough, but it seems like everything here just falls into place.
College is a change. Grade point is always a nice thing, but in reality you are just trying to graduate. It’s just different. I can imagine for some people, they struggle through high school to get the diploma. A degree does so much more than a diploma, so even if things suck, remember that. Friends will change too. It is rare that you will find someone that you can keep that common bond with while everyone is moving in their own direction. I learned that really quickly here with Zach. I thought that our friendship would overcome any small differences we had. Instead, the differences grew because of our focuses when we got here (me avoiding anything other that class, Cheryl, family, and my computer. Zach avoiding class all together, partying everynight, and forgetting about the people close to him.). I guess that is human nature though. When we are put into a new situation, we all react differently. We learn more about ourselves and the people around us. Some of this semester has totally sucked. Some of it was everything that I hoped it would be (who the hell would picture me doing all of my homework?). There are things that I miss, but I knew that would happen. I think about the classes I had with you, Bill, Matt, Nate, Kamal, and everyone. I think about all of the funny stuff that happened everyday. I miss quiz bowl (shout outs to jessica and nate! woot!) and track (maybe not the pain). At least I can keep that in my mind. It’s something that I’ll always remember, and no one can take those memories away from me (Aside from father time and Alzheimer’s disease). Try not to cry. These were very good things, and you will have more expiriences to come. Just smile knowing that you got to expirience what you did. That and you are pretty cool anyway (even if bill and I did tease you about adult film).
Kristen you are welcome to chill at our pad, or go eat with us whenever you want!!! (i cant believe i just said ‘chill at our pad’) anyways, i COMPLETELY understand what you mean. This whole failing and missing home , but hating it when you are there thing… I wish it could just be a little more simple. yeah, emily hasnt made it into a challenge yet either, so at least you can have the satisfaction of knowing you are not the only one. I hope things go better for you!
its odd how things you love you can despise at the same time. I think things well change eventually. I can only imagine what its like. It has to be hard cause your on your own for once. Im sure it just will take time for things to adjust for you cause from everything I see college is a completely different world from high school. You rock! and I hope things pick up for you soon
ps. i like the new layout.
yay, thank you! it was mostly inspired by francesca lia block’s wasteland, but obviously the fish & mirror image is my tattoo. :)
pss. that’s a great book… i should re-read it. i’ve gotten so terrible lately and don’t read for fun very often. boo.