i’m oh-so-terrible at this

i started this journal for the sole reason of being able to write a poem about my unrequited feelings for sean and put it up somewhere, away from prying eyes. now i come here to hide; all of my negative feelings are displayed here so that no one will ever have to know. i trudged around all weekend with my heart in my feet. i am someone who is stuck living inside the wrong skin. right now i am just being. i am alive. i am turning on my computer i am walking to class i am eating i am studying i am listening to christmas music i am sleeping i am dreaming but most of all i wish i was having more purpose than all of this. i need to stop wishing and i need to stop hoping … two of the most horrible verbs ever invented. i’d give anything to be content right now; for instead i stand disgusted. i cannot sleep with myself. [matt and nathaniel have tossed around the idea of placing a sign up on their door with my name and asking msu's housing office to charge me for a third of their room & board. it's my second home away from home; i walk around case hall barefoot in my pajamas and all of the boys know me by name.] as time goes on, the hours lengthen but nothing gets erased, nothing becomes crossed out. maybe i always did ask too many questions, but i need answers. why am i here & what am i doing?

Tagged as prose