bad news on the doorstep.
June 21, 2005 at 14:21 pm
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1 comment
so, in eric gregory’s terms, i don’t mean to kvetch, but suddenly i just wanted to write about this.
i forgot to mention here that on friday, when ashley and i arrived at my house, three pieces of mail awaited me. my mom handed them to me and said, “i don’t think it’s good news and i wanted to warn you so your feelings aren’t hurt.” i didn’t know what she meant until i glanced down at the papers clutched in my hand.
the first piece of mail was from michigan state university housing indicating that i owe $50 for damages found in 319 s. hubbard. this news wasn’t so devastating because i knew it was coming. there was a HUGE FUCKING DENT in my wall/ceiling caused by the taking down of that dreadful loft. i’m actually surprised and relieved it wasn’t more than $50.
the second letter indicated that the purple shorts i ordered for the upcoming marching band season are not only on backorder, but the company no longer carries them. not a big deal. mom’s credit card was not charged and i can buy different shorts.
i think the third (and final) item is what my mom expected me to be upset by. it was an invitation to the nurenbergs’ annual fourth of july party. why is this bad news you ask? well, of course the nurenbergs’ party will be a blast. but then i saw that the flyer was mainly advertising the entertainment for this year: adrienne, jeff, and whitney & amy. my used-to-be-bandmates-and-best-friends playing an acoustic set without me. i never really felt left out until that moment. my beautiful drums just sit in my basement collecting dust. sure, i play them sometimes when i come home … but it’s not the same. drums aren’t exactly the most melodious instrument of all time. when i play by myself it’s like, “wow, i can keep a beat.” i’m used to creating a pulse that stands strong behind something a whole lot more interesting. what good is a heartbeat without something to keep alive? and yes, all of this is partially my fault but not entirely. i looked at my mom and said, “oh. i already knew about this. my feelings were hurt a month ago.”
i guess what i’m getting at is like this conversation i had with matt awhile back. i really miss playing drums. like in a band. because at shows, when you perform … for that 20 or 30 minute set you don’t think about anything. your parents’ bitching, your lousy job, your non-existent boyfriend … you forget it. you and your friends are smoking hot under the lights and you’re weaving this magical web with your words so that maybe someone else out there will understand what you were feeling, what your song is really about. it’s like the feeling of performing during a marching band show, but unlike marching band this feeling is not confined to a season. it was my way to forget myself, even if only temporarily. without these moments, with no outlet, it feels like all the shitty stuff just builds and builds.
despite this slight damper, my weekend still remained amazing. plus the near immediate future promises loads of fun with matt, sam, and mason. also – kudos to matt for being able to balance a steady girlfriend AND a shitload of friends. something i was never able to do.
the last time i really talked to mike, he told me that i need to stand up for myself and stop letting people walk all over me. why do other people see these things but never me?
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wow kristen, what you said was really upsetting, i’m so sorry. i hope you find a new love or maybe somehow get back into drumming. it’s great that you have something you love so much. I <3 you!